Tuesday, December 21, 2010

life.

patience: -noun. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.

Do you ever catch yourself in a quiet moment wondering "how did I get here? what am I doing with my life? how has ALL this time gone by and I'm not really doing something I love?" Well, that moment for me- now at age 25 has been existing for quite some time. I am totally restless, and just annoyed with where things seem to be stalemating for me. Where I am now is not what I am built for. And I am SO over it. 

It will be 2 years this month that I have graduated from TTU. 
730 days/ approximately 17,520 hours/ 1,051,897.53 minutes, actually. 

I moved back home with no idea as to what direction my life was heading in. I had no job, I was pretty dang broke- actually I was WAY broke. I had always had an idea of what I wanted to do, but I just wanted to be back in my city, with my family, and see what happened. Plus, I was tired of school and wanted a break. AND I've never really been one to plan that far in advance for myself, I like to wing-it. Wise? probably not.. . but oh well!

College was a great time for me. I was fortunate to study abroad, and that was the greatest thing I have ever done for myself. When I lived and studied in Spain a few years ago, I went there thinking I was going to learn how to speak Spanish better. I didn't know I would be learning to live life better. Not in a I have to make a million dollars and have all this nice stuff kind-of-way, but in a personal fulfillment-personal growth, what really creates happiness kind-of-way. I hope that makes sense. So then welcome back to America where people work 80 hours a week, have nannies to raise their kids, order take out 5 nights a week...pretty great right? Those 6 months overseas taught me how to appreciate life, people, culture, language, food, family, and music among many other things. And how to just BE. Living and Loving. Open minded. If you don't know how to love, chances are you don't really know how to live. Those words are synonymous. A good life is created through good love. If you can't open your heart and your mind to new experiences and and opportunities then expect yourself to be pretty miserable. And hey, when you let your mind and heart open up only to be let down, don't worry, you bounce back. What is that cheesy saying: "it's better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all". . something like that. 


So then, that being said- what am I doing here?! Why am I stuck here at this desk, in an old boring office bored out of my mind?! I feel like I have somehow lost sight of all that I learned about how to live a life worthwhile. . .

What matters most is family, friends, and doing something fulfilling. My absolute fear in life is to become an old lady not able to say I lived a life and did something that mattered. Something that helped someone else. I would hate to say I lived a life, made a ton of money and that's it. WHO CARES. I realize money is a necessity, but I figure when you do something you enjoy- the money will come. And what feels better? A wad of cash in your pocket, or being able to go home at the end of the day with a smile on your face and a sense of worth and accomplishment. I dream about the latter . .  . patience. . .

Now, please do not believe I make a lot of money here, because NEWSFLASH: I don't. But this job I have now is merely a lame source of income. I'm a grown girl, with some grown bills. I would be just fine being broke and happy, and well that's not really responsible is it? But I can't seem to shake these bills following me around. . . maybe you know the feeling. So here I am two years later, finally with a fire under my butt, a goal in my mind: ready to put in the work and get back into school. I think about all the time I am going to have to put in before I will be able to have a job doing something great, and I'll probably be around 28-29. I can't bring myself to say 30 yet. . . WOAH. But seriously, I have to keep myself mentally strong and practice patience here, even though I just want to be THERE! So far everything in my life has led me to this point: like a sling shot. you gotta pull it back and hold it there for a minute before releasing it. and it goes far. I'm gonna go far, no more holding back for this girl. This 2 year delay will seem irrelevant in respect to the rest of my life.    
 

1 comment:

  1. Your trip to Spain sounds like something out of "Eat. Pray. Love." haha... check out my crazy blog that you inspired me to write ;-)

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